Gentlemen (and Courtney),
It is with a mixture of pride, humility, and only moderate amounts of PAIN that I write to you today from the depths of an 0-6 hole in Season 12.
After 11 seasons of ruling this league with an iron fist and a championship pedigree, the numbers have spoken, and I must acknowledge a truth I never thought I'd utter:
Let's be clear about what Hunter has accomplished:
For 11 seasons, Hunter has been consistent.
Congratulations, Hunter. For now.
While I graciously cede the win percentage throne, allow me to present some facts that may or may not be completely cherry-picked to make myself feel better:
MOST TOTAL POINTS:
1. ABE: 16,664.36 👑
2. Hunter: 16,458.16
3. Dan: 16,441.20
HIGHEST POINTS PER GAME:
1. ABE: 111.84 PPG 👑
2. Matt: 110.03 PPG
3. Hunter: 109.72 PPG
MOST CHAMPIONSHIPS:
1. ABE: 3 🏆🏆🏆 ("tied")
1. TOM: 3 🏆🏆🏆 (tied)
3. Hunter: 2 🏆🏆
So yes, Hunter has a better record. But I score more points per game, have scored more total points than anyone in league history, and I've won this whole damn thing THREE TIMES.
For transparency and because I believe in democratic access to information (even when it's unflattering to me), here are the complete career records:
| Rank | Owner | Record | Win % | Total Points | PPG | Championships |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | HUNTER | 91-59 | 60.7% | 16,458 | 109.72 | 2 🏆 |
| 2 | Matt | 73-49 | 59.8% | 13,424 | 110.03 | 1 🏆 |
| 3 | ABE | 87-62 | 58.4% | 16,664 | 111.84 | 3 🏆 |
| 4 | Dan | 86-69 | 55.5% | 16,441 | 106.07 | 0 💀 |
| 5 | Courtney | 59-53 | 52.7% | 12,131 | 108.31 | 1 🏆 |
| 6 | Tom | 77-75 | 50.7% | 16,106 | 105.96 | 3 🏆 |
| 7 | Blake | 69-84 | 45.1% | 15,620 | 102.09 | 1 🏆 |
| 8 | Asher | 51-103 | 33.1% | 14,730 | 95.65 | 0 |
| 9 | Dominic | 23-55 | 29.5% | 6,843 | 87.73 | 0 |
MATT (59.8%) - Quietly the #2 player in league history. At least there's something his daughter can be proud of.
DAN (86-69, 0 titles) - The most accomplished player to NEVER win a championship. 86 wins, 8 playoff appearances, 3 championship game appearances, 0 rings. 💔
TOM (50.7%, 3 titles) - Perfectly balanced. Has made playoffs 6 times and won the championship 3 times. That's a 50% TITLE CONVERSION RATE. He's Joe Flacco.
COURTNEY (52.7%) - Only 8 seasons but already has a ring and 4th best PPG. Currently 5-1 and leading the league. Watch out.
ASHER (33.1%) - 51-103 across 11 seasons. Loses 2 out of every 3 games. But shows up every single year. That's ride-or-die loyalty. 🫡
Yes, I'm 0-6. Yes, I'm in last place. Yes, it hurts. But let me remind you of something:
Started 1-4
Bottom of the standings
People wrote me off
WON THE WHOLE DAMN THING 🏆
So to everyone currently celebrating my demise: I've been counted out before, and I've got the ring to prove what happened next.
To Hunter: Enjoy the throne while you can.
To everyone else: The only record that truly matters is CHAMPIONSHIPS.
To my current team: We're 0-6, but we're not dead yet. LET'S SHOCK THE WORLD. ⚡
To the league: See you gentlemen on Sunday. 🏈
Your Benevolent (Former) Winningest Owner,
ABE
3x Champion | All-Time Scoring Leader
Currently 0-6 But We Don't Talk About That
P.S. - Dan, you've played 155 games with an above .500 record and 8 playoff appearances. You're due. This might be your year.
P.P.S. - Asher, keep fighting the good fight. Maybe Season 12 is your year?